I just have to get it off my chest. Can’t write about it in my journal and can’t tell my husband about it. Usually if something is kept a secret, it’s not a good thing. That’s most likely the case here. But last December (2017) I met this guy. Very good looking and charismatic, and taken. Yep. We are both married and happy in our relationships. I don’t think much of it but I saw him sometime, maybe online, dressed up for Halloween? Anyway then he is in charge of running the meeting when my oldest son was baptized, and he stayed afterwards to eat food and chat with my parents! Then he comes to my ward to present stuff the end of December, and then a party in January, and I’m in total overload with this dude! This party his wife was at and I chatted it up with her and became closer friends. But I was also asking her things I could find out about her husband. Like his background and how they met and stuff like that. But I really like her! I don’t want to break up her marriage at all. I don’t want to let go of what I have. I don’t wish his kids were my own. I wish my kids were his sometimes though, but of course they’d be different kids and that wouldn’t be so cool. Yep, my whole marriage would not be the same as the one I currently have! It’s not rocket science. But still!! At this party while talking with him and hearing his stories and life, and seeing how adorable he is physically, oh MAN it’s hard to remember I’m married! Like I was flirting or trying to dress up for him or being in his line of sight or in the same room, and try to play up my life if I thought he’d be looking. And my hubby was at the party too! Well I told one person about how I felt and luckily that person just said it’s nice to have some eye candy. That is very very true but what about the butterflies about liking someone? I always can reel it back in though because I’m quite sure that he does not like me back the same way. So it’s all futile. But it’s still sooooo fun to just envision it! And what if by chance he did like me that way back? I’m just not going to chance it with the life I have now. I do wonder if my hubby would be clean shaven that it would make a difference in if I still find him attractive. Well, that brings us to today.
My hubby shaved his beard and it made me extremely happy! Even though we had a great night together last night, I still was excited to see his baby face again! So we go to a Chinese New Year party in a different stake, and I see some of my dear friends there. Yayyyyyy!! And then I saw the wife. I could not believe it. I was not expecting it. I was hoping to just end this lil crush and be on my way. And I didn’t put too much effort into how I looked. Crazy hair, no makeup, meh outfit...but I doubt he’d notice anyway so whatever. And he has on an amazing striped shirt that would be something I would wear if it was in a ladies size! I don’t need to get into how much I talked to the wife or how I got to talk to the actual guy a few times, and my hubby said hi to him too, but when I invited them as a couple to come to a valentines dance in our ward, I told him he should come anyway. And then my face got red. With my hubby sitting right next to me! Was that out of place? Even as a friendly gesture to them? I’m even considering having them over for games or study time or something as a family. Just so I can see him again but I’m just adding fuel to the fire now. Which won’t even ignite because it’s obvious he’s not interested. But if he was, I would never go past that. Secret relationship? Oh it’s a good fantasy. But I would never go through with it. And if he’s a stellar guy I know he would never too. So I’m stuck in this limbo of totally crushing this dude when I know that the less I see of him the more it will just fizzle itself out. At the same time he keeps on popping into my life and it makes it worse!
We are now Facebook friends. And I have his wife’s phone number to get together. And that was connected with his email. But I will never message him. I know I will not.